Preface to "If only I'd known the Christmas letters"

We, like most people, have occasionally received a Christmas round robin letter casually slipped in with a card. They are most often from someone that one has all but lost touch with - of course, they are unnecessary from close friends & family.
Although, in general, these letters tell us little of much significance about the writer’s family over the previous year “Sophie passed her grade 6 clarinet”, “Our new puppy `Bozo’ is such a tearaway”, etc. they do have an attraction. Perhaps they provide a slightly voyeuristic feeling?
We have also noticed that, no matter what the circumstances, it is OK to mention the death of a pet or loved one but not to dwell on it. People rarely fail to put a positive spin on the year so we don’t often see “Laurie’s new drug habit means I now wear a money belt to bed to stop him stealing from me”, “Tabatha’s latest body piercing developed a nasty infection so she now looks as though she has two navels”.
As a record of the previous year, however trivial, Christmas letters are a part of contemporary history. This sparked a thought and we wondered what various historical figures would have written?
The result is a series of; hopefully, humorous round robin letters purporting to be from the famous, infamous and even fictional characters that grabbed our attention.
And now the disclaimer, a friend of Simon’s at school had failed to revise for his mock history “O level” examination but completely filled the answer paper nonetheless. When he got his inevitable “F” grade his paper had the comment “Do not make up history”. Given how little is written at the time it feels like most of history is made up to some extent or the other. So before you read these and feel like pointing out “actually it was in December 1843” remember they are intended to be funny. If you want history then please buy books by different Simons - Simon Sharma or Simon Sebag-Monefiore to name but two.
So here for your enjoyment is a selection of the letters we wished had been written