Preface to "If only I'd known the Christmas letters"

We, like most people, have occasionally received a Christmas round robin letter casually slipped in with a card. They are most often from someone that one has all but lost touch with - of course, they are unnecessary from close friends & family.
Although, in general, these letters tell us little of much significance about the writer’s family over the previous year “Sophie passed her grade 6 clarinet”, “Our new puppy `Bozo’ is such a tearaway”, etc. they do have an attraction. Perhaps they provide a slightly voyeuristic feeling?
We have also noticed that, no matter what the circumstances, it is OK to mention the death of a pet or loved one but not to dwell on it. People rarely fail to put a positive spin on the year so we don’t often see “Laurie’s new drug habit means I now wear a money belt to bed to stop him stealing from me”, “Tabatha’s latest body piercing developed a nasty infection so she now looks as though she has two navels”.
As a record of the previous year, however trivial, Christmas letters are a part of contemporary history. This sparked a thought and we wondered what various historical figures would have written?
The result is a series of; hopefully, humorous round robin letters purporting to be from the famous, infamous and even fictional characters that grabbed our attention.
And now the disclaimer, a friend of Simon’s at school had failed to revise for his mock history “O level” examination but completely filled the answer paper nonetheless. When he got his inevitable “F” grade his paper had the comment “Do not make up history”. Given how little is written at the time it feels like most of history is made up to some extent or the other. So before you read these and feel like pointing out “actually it was in December 1843” remember they are intended to be funny. If you want history then please buy books by different Simons - Simon Sharma or Simon Sebag-Monefiore to name but two.
So here for your enjoyment is a selection of the letters we wished had been written

Authors biography

As a Mother & Son combination, Doreen & Simon Spanyol share similar tastes - for example three years ago each bought the other Antony Beevor’s “Stalingrad” for Christmas.
Doreen began writing weekly letters to Simon when he was at Leeds University in the seventies and he would always share the contents, if not the enclosed Luncheon vouchers, with his friends: “Your father has asked for a Kalashnikov again this Christmas”, “You will like our new Collie puppy, Oliver, he bites people, especially hands & feet but he doesn’t draw blood very often”, “Your brother went on a grant demo to London, you know the one that was on the telly, he saw some Leeds students among the 20,000 there and did a lot of mindless chanting which pleased him”.
Simon’s half of the correspondence is lost to posterity but much of it only consisted of short requests for more luncheon vouchers which he found could be exchanged for beer.
They live in Hertfordshire & Rutland